LIBERTAS.

I've missed this,
I've missed us.

It's been a while,I miss our little talks
and I should tell you,I'm not at home,
Physically.

I know,I know
I've taught you to read deep into everything I say.

I want to tell you,
I hope to retire as a travel writer someday
God-willing,
but you should know that,
by now.

A travel writer, 
and later live in the mountains as some sort of philosopher
who documents on the revelations of enlightenment.
In my quieter years.

I want to tell you that
school is the same,
soulless and lifeless
and hamsters on a wheel.
I know you're reading this and laughing.

All the same I'm greatful for the strides.
and draw comfort from the knowledge
that it is He who orders my steps
and my being here is a step in the fulfillment
of my personal legacy.

Yes,yes.I finally read the Alchemist
and it was beautiful.

I'm greatful for the strides
overly,utterly indebted for the strides
and the light bearers that brighten my school days.

It's a glorious thing
when you're in the same place
but you're the one who's different

The little trifling things people do
don't bother me anymore.
This amuses me.
I see the on-goings 
I shrug,and I shuffle on. 
There's a greater sense of a purpose in my step,
an understanding of the temporary nature of any current situation.

All things are transient,
All things are passing.

I probably won't remember most of their names.
So down,down with
 the shady undertones,and the consumerist mentalities and
the typical.
Here,here to the hamsters with stripes,
and those whose treadmill is a track
to the progressive,the atypical,
the good energy.
I'm focusing on that.

James must be looking at me and smiling,
I took every word of his quote to heart,
"...as one begins to become conscious,
 one begins to examine the society in which he is educated"
The paradox of education,
he called it.
Hope Papa is looking down and smiling at me too.

I want to tell you what the Father said at mass that day,
that God sends a Mary(s) to our Elizabeth,
the visitation.
To guide,to push us into progress,prosperity,joy.
Such people when sent into our life
arrive and immediately we sense God's presence

and as a dream in Elizabeth,
a dead dream,as her conceiving a child was,
was revitalized
so do these vessels of progress
revitalize our dead dreams. 

I want to tell you that I've been evaluating the people in my life,
More than usual.
See Father,also said that day that the people sent to you
will have parallel paths,
not the same path
 but paths generally moving in the same direction.

I feel as though our paths crossed at some point,
but have been moving apart ever since.

The feeling of home in them has shifted,
popping up only occasionally
as if to pay tribute to past memories.
We're good,to each other,
We're there for each other
and by most definitions good friends.

We co-exist,
nowadays
seemingly un-bothered by the actions of the other.
Telling each other less and less,
Cordial strangers,
Trains at the same station,
unaware and un-rattled by where the other is bound.
But still by most definitions
good friends.

I'm gravitating towards solitude
but it's the peaceful kind.
Letting go of what isn't for me,
Or what's no longer for me,
appreciating and accepting what is
and creating room for what could be.

I want to tell you I'm convinced
that my people,my tribe 
Are out there,somewhere
feeling like misfits in the most familiar of places
Equally discontent with what doesn't set their soul alight
And they'll be a language 
neither of us will have learnt  but
both of us will speak
and we'll communicate with far more than language
and our spirits will be fed by the same sources of nourishment.
I'm at peace with that.

Lukewarm will not do,
It just won't cut it.


I've tried to cover for it,
I've blamed my incessant need for depth.
And I've fought back these thoughts constantly
like a General overlooking a splaying troupe
blinded by the shimmer of past victories.

I'm not even really sure what they love and what they don't
I'm not really sure they know what I love either.
Let alone what they dream of
what keeps them up at night
their unpopular truths.
what threads make up the fiber of their being,
and it's been a while,and there are no signs of embers
on what seems to be a dying fire.

We're comfortable,
like a couple in the early years of an arranged marriage. 
Comfort the enemy of all progress.

Father at mass also said that day,
that when the people He has sent come into your life,
you won't even have called them,
you won't have forced issues,
you will find them seamlessly,effortlessly at your door
they will come of their own will and in haste. 

I find myself
feeling more and more that I'm forcing issues
Lukewarm just won't cut it,
not anymore 
Life is too short
and I've got overwhelming love from Him,from my bloodline
and the ones unwavering as the sun
to accept anything else 
and self-love doesn't mix with flaky.

But then again,
time is the only true determinant
of what stays and what gets washed away by passing tides.
and then again
He alone,knows what the future holds.

I want to tell you
how firmly I embody Kaizen into my being,
Kaizen,constant improvement,
constant evaluation and improvement
something I demand of myself,
a demand I sub-consciously project onto others
that makes me expect a level of self awareness and self-criticism
and self-correction
in both myself and others,
that at times is unrealistic and unhealthy,
frustrating.

I want to tell you how important it is
for me to be a good person,
the trouble is I try too hard sometimes to be good,
a little too hard
and at the sake of my own happiness at times,
at the sake of my own peace.
And peace is an awfully costly bargain.

I want to tell you how hurting someone's feelings
breaks my heart,
but it's the price at times of being true to myself.


I want to tell you,
that I've come to understand and appreciate
the difference between acquaintances and friends
and that I'm okay with the gap.

I'm okay with dryness of warring niceties
of corridor 'hello's'
I'm okay with the fact that people often disappoint
and sometimes the projection of negative feelings from others
is only because the negativity builds up inside them
before it spews out.
I'm okay and at peace with the fact 
that people's action often have little to do with me.

I want to tell you
that last Christmas feels like centuries ago,
that I'm embracing the festive season with a new eagerness
Father prayed that our Christmas,be not like any other Christmas season past.
That this one should be different.Better.

I want to tell you that a lot has happened since last Christmas,
and I have changed in more ways than one.
I should tell you,
that it's funny or not
how easily we embrace,willingly or not
a new normal
as if it's the only truth we've ever known,
and we can't quite remember the life we lead before.

I want to tell you that I'm a lot more open now
Less hidden,
I give because I have been given
trying to give the Grace I've received.
I believe in miracles  now,
if ever there was a time,I didn't quite believe in them.

I'm alot more open now
And in my openness,
I have allowed myself to be vulnerable,
to bear my scars
as war heroes do,
to allow others to carry me
when I lack the strength to do so.

In my openness and in my vulnerability,
I found a solidarity in our human condition
A solidarity in the trials we've been through
A solidarity in the salinity of our tears
and their ability to wash us clean.
a solidarity in healing,
and embracing healing as a step-wise a process,
a ladder
which we sometimes fall through.

I want to tell you that I have
some sort of 
PTSD from that day in March,
and I have momentary spasms in the shower sometimes,
where I turn off the tap mid-way
to hear what's going on outside.

I want to tell you how I fall in love with ideas
and not people sometimes
and how ideas are dangerous things to love.
And I go in search of life now
love will find me on the way.

I want to tell you that cappuccinos are my favorite
and I've never had frozen yoghurt
or worn a bikini.

I want to tell you how much I love fireworks
and how new year's eve is my favorite day in the year
The hope,the clean-slate 
that the dawn of a near year brings.
I want to tell you I let go of the anxiety I had 
at the turn of a new year
Faith over fear,
Walking by faith,not by sight.

But you want to know what the time is
or what I did last weekend
 and you hurry past my reply,

You're content with my okay,
when you ask me how I am,
You're content with the 'not much'
when you ask me what's new,

and our conversations are brief and shallow
and scrape surfaces of oceans and universes
and you don't look into my eyes
to measure the depth of my words and expressions

And neither do I,
at least not always,
I try though,
the human condition is fascinating.

I'd love to talk sometime though
To
Really talk.
I'd really love that.

May your cup overflow,

"May trouble neglect you
and Angels protect you..."
-Irish Blessing.