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Vérité

I'm drifting in and out of sleep,
the traffic lights are blinking
and the city,my city is both dead and alive.
I'm happy.

It's been a great night,
and I'm patting myself on the back,
No random calls,
no summoning of past ghosts,
no spineless wavy promises
made at the peak of bridges of songs.

"When the past calls,
don't answer
it has nothing new to say"

And this is just as true
on a Monday
as it is on a Saturday night
when your senses are dimmed.

But the heart wants what it wants
and humans have refined the art
of self-justification
propping up our egos or our will
on flaky ass, half truths
and skewed memories
and skewed interpretations of past experiences.

Not tonight though,
tonight
 I am present,
here,
conscious.
Probably more than I've been in a while.

And the stir in the back,
and the voices around me
rise,
and then drown around me.
Like raindrops drowning in puddles
when they hit the ground.
The banter,
 a classical piece at an occasion,
tucked in the background
but still rendering unquestionable definition
and memorability to the moment.

My thoughts are punctuated
by our 'designated driver'
asking me if 'I'm bored'
I tell him,I'm reflective,
by nature.
He shrugs.
I can sense his dismissal of my answer as pretentious.
I pay him no mind,
It's honest.

I found liberation in truth,
and it's a  freedom I struggled a long time for.

Truth,
my truth,
whatever that sounds like
however it is perceived
my truth.
So yea,I'm not bored
I'm reflective.

I'm twenty three.
and I've since grown weary of putting up appearances,
I seem,
often as I am.
It's a work in progress,though.

And as I roll out my honesty to the universe,
Unfiltered,
so have I received it from others
these last couple of months,
and beautiful new friendships have blossomed from it.
I'm thankful.

I am reflecting,
it's been a great night,
and as rear view as past good times
may seem,
life has a funny way of drawing in
past waves at our shore,
as if to wash over us
cleanse us,
with a reminder of who we once were
and the God honest truth of what and who we hold dear.

Returning to our inner hometowns,per say.

This night did that for me,
It was the throwback classics,
the joy of pulling up on the dance floor
in that carefree,honest,pure joy
I once knew,
it was in shouting out the chorus,
and breaking into spontaneous hugs with my sisters,
Blood or otherwise,
It was in the moderation,
like measured ingredients
everything just in the right amounts,
not out of fear or uncanny caution,
but of choice,
of being anchored to my true north,
and the disregard of worldly expectations,
that have us demanding  'a night out'
to bring us more than it could ever offer.

I felt full,
I felt whole
Things I haven't felt during a night out,
in a very long while
and I suppose that was why I discarded the thought
of spending my nights anywhere else
other than my bed.

I felt full,
I felt whole
in a place not typically associated for these qualities,
Qualities reserved for describing Sunday service or a yoga class or a clean diet.

I felt full,
I felt whole,
but the real kick was in knowing
that it was internal.

You should have seen me,
So content,
I didn't care how I looked
How I sounded
How I was perceived,
I wasn't trying to be anything.
more importantly,
I wasn't trying to get anything.
I didn't have the overshadowing cast of 'want' hanging over me
for the first night in many a night,
I was blissfully,awkwardly me
and it was beautiful.

And I was doing the most,
I killed J.cole's verses,
He'd be so proud.

I was wonderfully and fearfully me
as I was made.
And I've got to tell you,it was beautiful.

Full and whole,
In celebration of life,
of sisterhood,friendship,humanity
in gratitude for the journey.

But that's it
*Insert Yvonne Orji's voice*

That's what they say about
when joy and fullness and wholeness is internal,
when it flows from within,
it's like an inner thermostat
and you're good,
whatever the temperature outside is.

And you aren't sucked in by the world
and it's truths,

On a side note
like did Maslow even attain self-actualization?
I mean food and water as needs were pretty obvious,
All the other needs are more or less Ted talks.

This and other 'truths' brought to you  proudly by equally flawed human beings.
Haha.
I amuse myself.

I'm not disregarding his genius,
Human beings
are governed by truths.
Internal codes
either learnt or conceived,
and when we are so utterly convinced,
we formulate theories
we write books,
start movements.

You know how there's that saying about,
true knowledge
is in knowing,you know nothing.
Socrates.
I think that's all sorts of true.

Constantly doubting what you know
or rather what you think you know,
refines you
opens you up to truer truths,
creates tolerance
Undoubtedly,one of the best pieces of advice from Mark Manson.
Because you know we're flawed,
and we don't get one super huge revelation of life and it's purpose and our journey,
and we're figuring it out as we go along.

I think,
true truth,
Is divine,
I think that's the core message of books like the Alchemist,
the core message of life,
the truth behind all other truths.
The core of all truths.
Something greater than ourselves,
and we all fit in perfectly into the grandest mosaic of all time.

I was sitting in our leaky-roof library
in the middle of two bookshelves,
and there were some old ass books there,
and I thought to myself how sad it is,
that for all that was invested in the acquisition and compilation
it was left there to wither away for generations to come
Unread,unseen.
Something simply to fill up the shelves.

It's no one's fault,
science has a high turn over rate,
front page news quickly slips into the ad section.

But then it occurred to me,
that it was these old truths,
that paved way for the new truths,
and I marveled for a bit
in this revelation,
In the same way our past chapters
pave way for our current editions.

See world truth is like that,
one unconventional seeker away from being disproved,
 from being edited,
but there's an unwavering nature in divine truth,
a timelessness to it,
The Bible,for starters
and stuff like
the pattern and cycle of life shown in Cloud Atlas.

Fullness,wholeness,peace,grace,joy,contentment.
I think those are divine truths,
they have that archaic,pure,simple character
of divine truths.
Characteristics that make them easily dismissed,
by a generation so invested in complexity.

And the fact that they can't be obtained externally,
makes them considered wishful thinking.
An aspiration,
not to be attained,
just an aspiration.
A pageant question answer.

Divine truths,
aren't loud,
they're drowned easily,
by the neon signs.
They haven't many advocates.

But there's a way they fill you up,
in a way nothing ever could
La vie en rose.
They are rose coloured glasses alright,
and with them everything is a little clearer,a little brighter,a little more still.

I feel still,
I felt still tonight,
even with the music at high range decibels,
I felt still.

And I was free,
there's liberation in those truths,
and you glow from the inside out.

I was in joyous celebration of life
tonight,
of existence
of the rainbow of people around me,
of sisterhood
and good times
I was so freaking happy.

Blissfully,awkwardly me,
Wonderfully and fearfully me
as I was made.





























Comments

Unknown said…
Just the kind of thing you need to read at 2 AM.. Love it!

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