She had only heard about
the infamous arsonists,but had never had the 'pleasure' of being acquainted by those who crept around waiting to set everything in their path ablaze.
It gave them a sense of false power.An overwhelming feeling of control.
She often viewed herself as an arsonist too.
She felt that the only way to safeguard herself,to shield her already guarded heart was to be like them. Not quite like them though, as she carefully selected her victim and like a wild creature she attacked only when she felt threatened.
That wasn't enough.She built fortresses around her soul. That should anyone seek to be amused by the glow in her soul,or by her creases or curves they would have to fall madly and uncontrollably in love with her mind.Like the arsonists she deemed it fit that she alone should have full power. Not power over a people, although this was often a great temptation,but power over herself.More importantly,power over her mind. And she shuddered at the thought of relinquishing that power to anyone else,let alone an arsonist.
She lived like this,guarded and gated for years since the first time she had had word of this fire.She became a master of disguise and just like the moon,part of her was always hidden away.
But there he was.
He lit a fire in her soul. A fire who's intensity grew fueled by mere words.Oh!The power of written words and how they play ever so cleverly with our innermost emotions. Silencing some of the voices in our mind and awakening others.
Awakened. Yes she was awaken. Never had she felt so alive. Never did life have so much meaning as it did in those moments. For the first time in her life, she was living not only for herself but also for this other being. This other peculiar being. There was something about him, something that couldn't be described as words. All she knew is that when he held her the stars aligned and the earth was still.
He lit a fire in her soul. And Oh! how it consumed her. But it was a pleasurable suffering.And if asked she would choose it over and over again. Not him,not necessarily,but IT. She bathed in the warmth of the fire that raged within her and intended to do so only for a couple of forevers. She'd always believed that they'd have one of those stories people wrote about.
She was insane. She was being intertwined with the very fibers she had once protested against. The path of the greatest resistance what you judge you become.
Nevertheless, she was happily insane.
Just as the color of a fabric begins to fade away when hang out in the sun too long, the vibrant hues in her soul began to fade away. The fire was on a destructive agenda and would not be stopped. It turned to ashes the very things that made her who she was, the one who's name altered his heartbeat when mentioned. The glow in her soul became dim to the point she hardly recognized herself anymore. She had been blinded long ago by the alluring flare of the flames that danced recklessly within her. She grew distant to self-love,becoming unseemingly selfless and not the kind that cures humanity of its evil ways.
She was lost in him and in the beginning it was the kind of lost that's exactly like being found.
It was nothing he did or said, and only later was she to discover a certain form of naivety, she often associated with others and thought herself incapable of possessing had anchored in her. She would or rather could never associate him with the fire. He was gentle,he was sweet,he was kind. So she could never understand how something of such good nature and seemingly good intent could ignite this vile monster that sought to extinguish the glimmer and sparkle in her soulful eyes.How someone could bring out the best and worst in her,all at the same time.How something she was so fond of could turn her into the worst possible version of herself.
She was emotionally laden. It was all too exhausting.
He was exhausted to. Her mind was beautiful chaos but he drowned constantly in her indecision.
It had all seemed so deviously simple. But how could she have been so foolish it never could,it never would.
They were meant to be together,but they weren't.
She wanted to be with him,but she didn't.
Maybe in another life,maybe in another time. MAYBE?maybe,Maybe.
This adventure.This darn adventure.
Whatever happened to following your heart,you know the key to happiness or so they said.
Why didn't he fight for her?
Why did he ever allow her to question his affection?
She was never destined to be simple,to be ordinary and that's why she sparkled.
When the fire he lit was young, she not only sparked, she was radiant.
Dazzling,even.
But she understood it all finally,at least.
Logic.Reality.Mind always over something as conflicting as emotions.
Emotions.Feelings were not tried or tested.Mere speculations splattered with our keepsakes from fairy tales.
After all,that's how she had always lived. That's how things got done. That was the safe way to live. To follow that which was tried and tested.To live like the ship safely docked at the harbor and to not give into the curiosity that urged it to explore the waters.
She was awakened. But not in the same way as she was when the fire was lit.This was an awakening to reality. Our skewed perception of reality, What if the hopeless romantics,film-writers,optimists and great novelists were the ones who actually understood life and the rest of us were merely existing,living a cynical,grey second-rate life.
They were the ones who were living life on the front row while the rest of us were sitting all
stiff and hunched in the 'safer' second row afraid to catch too much of the action.
It was once said that the only way to avoid sadness is to avoid everything that makes you happy.
She had a superpower.She loved.She hopelessly loved. More than was deemed 'safe'.
And though time and tide would pass,and the realities of life dawned on her, she was unable to silence the inner voices that begged her to travel on the road least traveled and not give up on what she truly felt inside.But her pride, the demands of the present day not to mention those external voices would never allow her to act in sync with that, that wasn't 'tried and tested'.
She deeply and silently longed to bask in the warmth of that fire once again.
He did nothing. She did nothing.And it would remain that way like a possibly paused or possibly halted chess game. Time being the sole umpire.Or at least, that's what she imagined.
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