CLIMBIN'

"We'll be charm itself"
-Clarrise Renaldi
 Princess diaries.

I often look at relics of my past self,birthday cards,photos,appreciation day sticky notes going on and on about my occupation as a radiant beam of sunlight.It's bitter-sweet really,the bitter thinking how I've just become a faint shadow of my past self,my life growing more complicated as the years rush by with unexplainable haste.The sweet being growth,gaining wisdom,the triumphs the Good Lord placed upon my path and that through the wear and tear of the journey,I still stand.

But life was really simple back then,way more than we gave it credit for.But nope,we spat at the simplicity.We had to try on the high heels,and mommy's lipstick.We had to carve out those big dreams for our future self,the ones that bore the expectations that we never quite seem able to live up to.We had to frown at those height charts whenever we didn't wake up an inch taller.And where are we now,circling at the brink of adulthood wishing on star dust for a way to go back,praying against all hope we could flip over the hourglass.It's too late now,we're not ready for the world and for what it expects from us not to mention what it's already throwing at us.Sadly ready or not,it's already come.

We were meant to have figured it all out by now,right? 
By varsity,that was the plan,they said we'd have already grown into the person we were to become and a sense of accomplishment and permanency should have dawned on us or at least should have started to
We were supposed to be well on our way on that yellow brick road.

But the road no longer has sign posts ,oh and they didn't mention there'd be raging traffic on the path,drunk on road rage and urgency knocking you as they bloody-well pleased.You see that's the thing about growing up,It would be obviously be pointless to have something against the inevitable,even if we lay under the sun for an infinite period of time the changes would still be inevitable,the hormones would be unavoidable and undoubtedly the candles would weigh the cake down heavier each year.
Time just has that timelessness to it you know, that wondrous and frightening fact that life must go on.So that's not it.
It's how ill prepared we were for it,we were taught work hard,do good and that's just about it you'll be fine,
they said.

And there we were well on our way,Work Hard.Be good.The universe was then meant to unravel at our feet and pat us on the back for the seemingly good choices we made.At least that's what they promised.We weren't those kids our parents and older relations would frown up on and discuss unpleasantly in hushed tones.We were the ones who did what we were supposed to and save for a few incidences, those few acts of rebellion to  validate our humanity and prove we we had a mind of our own we were pretty alright.And soon we were back on our straight and narrow.

They didn't tell us the expectations became higher and even more unreachable and the stakes became higher and that the waters wouldn't be calm despite us barely knowing how to hold on to the sails let alone learning how to manipulate them and seduce the winds to dance in rhythm with the route we'd mapped out.What happened to 'The higher you go the cooler it becomes,well it's a freaking furnace up here and I'm not nearly done climbing.
Oh and no one cheered you on and you were this lonely lost sailor drifting hours on end on a dented ship nauseated by the sight of the sea.And you couldn't remember how far you'd traveled,you weren't sure if there was land  at the end of this endless blue.And North on that seemingly worthless rusty broken compass seemed to shift faster than you could ever keep count of.And you muttered under your breath each night,howled at the seagulls and cried out to the distant stars,to take you anywhere but here,to be anyone but this lost sailor.Away.
Not really,okay maybe,
 but more so,
All you needed is someone or something to remind you why you started out in the first place and give you a pretty good reason why on earth you should keep going.Their flight must have been delayed and the thing gotten lost in transit.So you sit and you wait.

I find myself here a lot,I've reached a point in my life where there's this constant inconsistency,you know everything's the same but at the same time nothing is.Not more black than it is white,not more white than it is black.Grey,just grey,plain freaking  grey.You're moving,the engines are running but you can't tell if you're moving in the right direction.It shouldn't bother me but in the guidelines they did give me,the ones they conveniently mentioned,I was to be assertive,firm,in control,that if my feet weren't anchored in the ground like overaged roots,anything and everything would sweep me of my feet and I'd be face deep in the mud,bruised and broken.So I stood my ground,said no when I was supposed to and only allowed my flowers to bloom at those who pruned and watered me.They said that would keep me safe,unbent,unbroken.And I believed them.

Nope they didn't tell us about circling in the sea and about the broken compass.They promised all maps were the same and they didn't tell us everyone who landed safely at shore had a different ship and a different map and a different reading of both Geographic and Magnetic North.It was do good,work hard.You'll get to shore and happily ever after.The end.

They preached knowledge not wisdom,knowledge steered the ship for a while anyway until it was no longer useful,wisdom got you to shore.They told us to pay no mind to other ships, but how could we when there were instructed what to do then.

I was a lot more sunnier at a younger age,I was the center of my universe and not in a narcissistic or atheist way.My opinion of me was the only one that mattered,I did and did and did for my sake,I was like this bright star that just couldn't keep still,learning,seeking then learning some more,seeking and striving and seeking again.Limits merely abstract,they were to be tried and tested,just to see how far I could go,how far I could reach and oh how I dazzled in simplicity not mentally but in living.The most radiant way to live.And I shone and shone and bathed everyone in my light,Life was a straight line and I'd mastered the tight rope.

You'd have loved me,they all did anyway. 

Hope,
oh how hopeful we were that the future that stretched out ahead bore endless summer nights and glistening days.

I read nowadays 
Like I've always wanted to and no not some fanatic hastily made New years resolution.Speaking of those, maturity lies in knowing that there isn't any difference between December 31st 11.59 and 1 am January 12.01 save for the date and time stamp,they also don't tell you that,they all have you believing in this supernova awaiting you the minute the clock strikes midnight.The sweat from the pomp  of the night before dries up and you wake up the next day,empty,alone,confused and questioning your existence.and no magical moonlight kiss that turned the frog into the prince.Media doesn't let you in on that one.

Lu,back to your shadows,
that's my alter ego,if she's not wearing black know the washer's broken.

Happy New Year,Love and Light.
For what it's worth,
but change comes from within,
the kind you hope for,anyway.

I read more nowadays,I'm perkier too, contrary to what you've read up there.It's a work in progress and that's what's important.

So we know Pandora right,reference Pandora's box filled with all that is distasteful,unscrupulous(mouthful words because how else will you know that Roald Dhal was my favorite childhood writer and undoubtedly the greatest children's novelist of all time),unrighteous in the world the one unknowingly or deviously(depending on which side you stand on the gender debate) unleashed it to the world.And as some since dearly departed Greeks would swear, is the reason for the chaos on earth,the wars,diseases and so forth and so on.

There's an interesting side to the story they never really quite tell you about.So we have Epimetheus and Prometheus designated to create life on earth by Zeus.Prometheus,man and Epimetheus,animals.Now Prometheus decided to meet the target and surpass giving the animals strength,fur and wings.Over-achiever.Now Prometheus decided as all the best qualities had been given away gave man the ability to stand upright and fire.Because seeing danger and not having any inbuilt mechanism to do something about it( until we later discovered fire and sharp things scared the bad things away) was in our best interest Prome? 

Anyway Zeus wasn't all to happy with Prome's decision,punished him by chaining him to a rock and letting an eagle gnaw at his liver and the punishment for man,was..
wait for it....
woman(I know the chauvinists are having a field day with this one).
The woman's name-Pandora,here is the you part you marvel at my intellectual prowess(I joke) and realize you know nothing,or if you knew this already and aren't as mind blown as I was when I learnt this ,your chariot of fire to the golden gates awaits you and before that a lifetime of accolades and if you happen to be within my age bracket and hail from Mars with a smile as charming as your wit,my number should be somewhere on the Bio.

Ego might be something I have to check on in the new year,
You know the danger of being woke,freeing your mind to become a slave of your ego.

Anyway Pandora was given a little box,we've already talked about this.Keep up,then you can fill in the pieces from the traditional Christian creation story.Eve and Pandora shared a quality,curiosity.
Must have discussed the damnation of mankind at brunch.Haha!(She's funny too)

Then behold evil was let in the world,now Pandora with a bit of wit shut the lid before one thing escaped.HOPE.
The only weapon we have left to fight the others.

The story blew me away especially since I read it from a book that had nothing to do with Greek Mythology,just the musings of another lost sailor at sea.

I can't even begin to describe the power of hope and the ability of humanity to find it even in the most bleak situations,it's a light that glows within one that we can ignore but never extinguish.

You see,I feel it's the reason why there are moments that we feel so alive,unconquerable,that life's a party and were it's host,we glisten in that moment and all is calm,and all is bright.

"We don't seize the moment.In truth the moment seizes us".
-Boyhood

And we have a glimpse of the shore,no matter how short the moment is we're reminded that the shore does indeed exist and the circling is all part of the process and we must trust that process and draw strength,courage and wisdom from the mere fact that were on our way,we may have a long way to go but we have traveled an equally long and whatever storms and rough waters are in our wake we have faced and conquered equally fierce battles.

Fairytales are more than true:
Not because they tell us dragons exist,but because they tell us 
dragons can be beaten.
-Neil Gaiman.

I want to sit with someone at a coffee shop with someone at 2am for what seems like  no particular reason, who has the gift of drawing every breath in my soul 
and ramble on about the people around us.The raving conspiracy theorist to our left,the pregnant waitress,the quiet couple in the corner hopelessly in love,the drunk hot-tempered man at the counter.And wonder why they are sitting at the coffee shop at 2am,and then wonder why were sitting at the coffee shop at 2am and wonder what possible reason the universe had to cross our paths that hour.And put each of them at some point in their journey.Coming from,going to.Some point land and sea and land again.Wondering which North their compass points to.
And have their stories to whirl around us like wild fire.

Sometimes I look inside and wonder if there's some bit of it,the magic,the high of truly being alive and the ability to find that high or did the madness and confusion and the curve balls consume it all.

Did I lose hope,did I forget what it truly feels to breath in possibility, to truly inhale life,did the routine fade it away,hide it in the deepest dustiest corners of my soul.

But I mustn't forget as I paddle and sail and sail and paddle.I must find it at the corner shop at 2am,in the depths of a wandering soul,in the words of a spirited novelist,in the scripts of the classics,in the wind and in the sun.In blinding street lights,in the humility of simplicity,in the beauty of aged love.
I mustn't forget what it truly means to be alive.Whatever the cost.However far I must reach.

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
-Langston Hughes.

And I shall be sunny and kind and good and just and kind some more.Just a pat to your fellow sailor who's also lost at sea,who's compass is also broken,going round in circles watching dawn turn into darkness and darkness into dawn 
An assuarance that it'll be alright.

And drop that darn illusion of control.
If you want real control
drop the illusion of control
Let life have you,It does anyway.
You're just telling yourself the story of how it doesn't.
-Byrson Kate.


And while you're at the party you might as well dance,
And live and love and love and live.
with the unwavering peace that He's directing the current.

I hope to arrive at my death,
drunk,
late,
and in love.
-Atticus.